


Garrett's Welcome to HYDRA Speech

by Giga_Byte



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Future Agents of HYDRA, I had way too much fun, Let's mock something today!, Other, Parody, hail HYDRA, welcome to hell - Freeform, wooot, writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-12
Updated: 2014-11-12
Packaged: 2018-02-25 04:26:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2608451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Giga_Byte/pseuds/Giga_Byte
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A Play off Rowan Atkinson's "Devil's Welcome"/"Welcome to Hell" speech for John Garrett welcoming new HYDRA Agents. Not actually a story - more like an amusing script. Original Script in Notes if curious. :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Garrett's Welcome to HYDRA Speech

**Author's Note:**

> If requested, can make a legit scene from this. The bottom notes is the original script. Enjoy!

Hi there, soldier.

Nice to meet you.

As the smarter of you might have realised by now, we’re not SHIELD. This is Hydra and I am the commander here, Agent John Garrett.

You can call me Garrett or SO. We like to keep things relatively structured here; you fail to follow those rules, you die. Now, you’re all here until death, which I don’t need to tell you will be exactly as said. You work, and you die for Hydra. So you should all know each other pretty well by the end of your allegiance. Let’s split you into ranks.

_Keep that torture down!_

Okay, firstly, specialists, specialists over here please. Thanks.

Black Ops Specialists and Tech Ops Specialists over there. Under Cover Operatives, if you could join them, and surgeons. Surgeons you’re over there too.

Torture Methodists could you step forward? My god, there are a lot of you. I’ll split you into clinically insane and the rest. Nutters, could you go line up in front of the shock therapy bay in the corner.

Ops students? Are you here? If you could be so kind as to come down here with the Sci-Ops students. I’m sure you all have plenty to discuss.

Okay, SHIELD Agents? Are you here? If you could please crawl forward from whatever corner you were hidden. You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits… Hail Hydra, suckers. Well, never-mind.

And finally, pure Hydra agents? Ah, yes, I’m afraid Whitehall was right. If you could please go to the interrogation bay down the corridor, that would be really fine, thank you.

Okay, right, are there any questions? Yes, no, I’m afraid we don’t have any mercy, Agent. If you knew your history, you would know that Hydra shows no mercy. So if you didn’t get any before you came you’re not going to live long. Then again, nobody really does.

Okay. It’s over to you… Bakshi! And I shall, uh, see you all out on the ground.

See ya.

**Author's Note:**

> Ah, hello!   
> It's nice to see you all here.   
> As the more perceptive of you probably realised by now, this is hell. And I am the Devil.   
> Good Evening.   
> But you can call me Toby if you like. We try to keep things informal here, as well as infernal. That's just a little joke of mine. I tell it every time. Now, you're all here for...Eternity! Ooh, which I hardly need tell you is a heck of a long time. So you'll all get to know each other pretty well by the end. But for now I'm going to have to split you all up into groups.   
> Will you stop screaming?!   
> Thank you. Now, Murderers, murderers over here, please. Thank you.   
> Looters and Pillagers over here, please, and thieves if you could join them, and lawyers, you're in that lot too.   
> Fornicators, if you could step forward? My god! There are a lot of you! Ah, I'll split you up into adulterers and the rest. Male adulterers, if you could just form a line in front of that small guillotine in the corner.   
> Em...the French? Are you here? If you could just like to come down here with the Germans. I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.   
> Okay, atheists? Atheists over here please! You must be feeling a right bunch of nitwits! Never-mind.   
> And finally, Christians? Ah, yes, I'm sorry, I'm afraid the Jews were right. If you could come down here, that would be really fine, thank you.   
> Okay, right, well are there any questions? Yes, no, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets. If you read your Bible you might have seen that it was damnation without relief. So if you didn't go before you came I'm afraid you won't be enjoying yourself very much, but then I believe that's the idea.   
> Okay! Well, it's over to you...Adolf! And I'll, uh, catch you all later at the barbecue.   
> Bye!


End file.
